asian hair: BORED?! read my story.. help me out...lol?

My diary

My heart hurts. It really hurts. It hurts bad閳ヮ洈ot mentally my really inside my heart. It feels crushing. I have 2 days of summer school left, and I am really feeling finished. I traveled on the ******* MTA for 3 hrs閳?looking for some **** that never got found. I am soo stressed, Idk if my credit card payment made it on time. Im really scared about my credit.

My mouth tastes like creamy ***, and I almost got mauled by a crazy raccoon. I am trying to be strong, but sometimes it is really hard for me to keep going. Keep pushing and make something of myself, its times like these when I wanna drop out of school, get skinny, let my hair break off and just count on my mom to feed me. No bath, no teeth brushing閳?just ****. I feel like that.

I havent wrote a diary in a while but I need to clear out my chest, because my heart is breaking. I am in an eternal inner conflict with my mind and my heart on the subject of Jumel. In my heart I want to get rid of these preconceived notions of beauty and not be afraid, knowing that no matter what Jumel will be a good father, and with love and support my children will turn out to be great people. Then its my dreams that my children will be everything im not, smarter, prettier, lighter, with parent who have lots of money to give them everything they want. But even if all that shows up in my kids閳?what good will it do if they have no father? I know the pain of the absence of a father.. So how will they grow up if they don閳ユ獩 even know who their father is? In response to this thought, I think of all the men in the world.. What makes you think that you wont find the perfect man who will stand by your children and help raise them? Then I relax, until I think of my mother.

My mother thought she found the perfect man, and it turned out to be a lie. She wasted good years of her life on me, because she wanted me to have a father. I guess that閳ユ獨 why I feel like I cant waste a day, not a minute, not a year. I have to make sure everything is perfect. But nothing is perfect. I cannot make life perfect. And that scares the **** out of me閳?what if I do something wrong? What if I make a mis-step? What will I do? I have already cause my self to graduate high school 6 months later than class of 2007. But I credit my self with my turn around from pothead, pregnant, and class cutting. To a young woman with a 85% avg, in a stable non- abusive relationship, with a black and irish ( and did I mention gorgeous) boyfriend of 6 months. My problem is his background, his mother was a druggie and he has 6 brothers and sisters who were all given into foster care because his mother couldn閳ユ獩 take care of them. His father is in and out of jail, and will die soon because of lack of medical care for his emphysema. Do I want these ppl as grand parents? On top of his coarse and brittle hair.. Adding to the unmanageable- ness of my possible childrens hair. My family puts great value in our 閳ユ笀ood hair閳?however superficial, it still matters to me. Now it 11.43 pm and I should have been sleep 43 minutes ago but im up writing this. I cant sleep閳?im stressed. I have finals this week, and my math finals will make me pass or fail the critical math credit I need to graduate on schedule.

My man and I had a big fight, im so tired of his ****. But inside I think im expecting too much, I keep telling myself if I want someone who is intelligent and all this stuff I want.. I am not going to find it in the inner city. I tell myself I will find someone better in college. Then I get depressed because I cant see myself without my boyfriend. I want to spend my life with him (even though the hair閳? but every time I decide to overlook all his fault and past, he does something to show me that maybe in the long run he isn閳ユ獩 going to have what I need in a life long partner. Then goes my obsession with chris brown, I keep hoping to marry him so my children will have a rich daddy who is caring and smart and with pretty hair and caramel skin. Then I sigh.. Cause even though I hope and pulling the forces of attraction to help, inside im not sure if it will ever really happen.

After my fight with Jumel, I walked home and was stopped by a boy who asked me my name. he obviously wanted to get to know me and date me. He looked younger than his age. But he was tall, brown skin like me, with light brown eyes, really deep dimples, a beautiful smile, exotic eyes, and curly brown hair. He is black which made me happy閳?because I havent really thought of having interracial children (don閳ユ獩 get me started I could write a whole nother page.. If you wanna hear send me a message) I only dated white and Spanish b4, but I thought of asian/black kids sometime before.. After been walked halfway home, I reluctantly gave him my mom cell number hoping he wouldn閳ユ獩 call. It was nice to get male attention from someone new. Walked the remaining 2 blocks home, I fantasized about our children and what the sex would be like. Then I felt bad but determined to weigh my options.. At least on the way home. I decided to keep my options open. Now its 11.56 and im am officially tired.

Almost being mauled by a giant raccoon in central park which I really thought was the kitty who always comes to eat the chicken bones me and Jumel drops on the grass on our weekly buffalo chicken and fries binges. (we like to feed the kitty because we feel bad we cant bring him home). I turned around to a mother- F-ing raccoon right behind the bench we were sitting on.. And all I kept think was 閳ユ辅ow people must be feeding kitty, he sure is getting big閳?until my eyes focuses and I screamed out loud. With the recent attack of a child in the newspapers by a raccoon I was sooo scared. Well I feel better now. Just remember take it a day at a time. that閳ユ獨 what I do. I have you enjoy my day today.. I閳ユ獟l be sure to post more